Don't Hurt Yourself

I've been a little bit out-of-sorts lately.

I've been through this before. Feeling like there's nothing that can excite you anymore, or that you're just kind of coasting through life.

My day-to-day goes like this.


I wake up. I get dressed. Sometimes.
I say hi to the dogs. I try to remember if it's a day I work or not. If it is, I wash my uniform. If it's not, I don't.
I usually just sit around for a bit. Maybe a little longer than a bit.

I just can't find something interesting to do! I've finally got the life I wanted. I've got a massive piece of land, I've got three horses, I've got art supplies, but I have no friends.

Now, that's a little rough. I wouldn't say I have no friends, but no one I talk to daily. Heck, the person I text the most is my brother.
Yeah. The self-same brother who I fought with daily when we lived together. But hey, he's homesick, and I'm sick of home.

I feel like I'm sinking into the same depression I was in four years ago right before--and during--the time we moved to Statesville. It's the same kind of "I don't want to do anything but sit around and watch Bones" kind of feeling. The same kind of "If I'm not around my friends I'm totally not okay" feeling.

Maybe I'm a little paranoid, but every time I am around my friends, I feel out-of-place. I feel like I don't fit in.

I like my work friends. I feel like they like me. It's my "church friends" that I feel like don't like me. I feel like I'm forcing myself on them, and that's the person I never wanted to be.

I had a moment of "Maybe if I stop trying, they'll notice and do something."
But I didn't want to be that person either.

Honestly, I was a little afraid I'd do it.... and then I'd never talk to them again.
Maybe they wouldn't do anything.
Maybe they really don't like me.

This is why I've always wanted to be able to read people's minds. Because I feel like people don't like me, and I never want to be the person that everyone talks about behind her back.
That would really break my heart.

I also don't want to keep forcing myself on people. I've been subjected to that from someone I didn't like and it's never fun. And then the people I do it to... they're such fantastic people. I know they wouldn't just say "I really don't like you. Stop trying to talk to me."

No, they would put up with me. They would let me tag along. But they make no effort to talk to me when I'm not around.

I'm the girl that doesn't get invited to the parties.

I'm the girl that no one remembers.

And that breaks my fragile heart.